Glossary

n. Absinthe, i.e. The Green Fairy, a toxic liquor made of wormwood, anise, hyssop, melissa, and a variety of magical herbs. Soothes your nerves and looks beautiful doing so.

n. Someone so devoted to their awesomeness that they have no time for frivolous nonsense.

n. A predictable, boring, and irrelevant person.

n. Dad dick.

n. The "Continue Playing" window that pops up on Netflix when the binge police check to see if you're still awake/alive after four uninterrupted episodes.

n. Once a guy mentally enters it, he does not care what your physical flaws are.

n. You actually constructed a simple thing with your hands and you feel like you hacked the code of the existing laws of science.

n. Getting two or more emails from a company -- a company whose emails you probably inadvertently signed up for but forgot about. Their relentless "spamming" makes you feel violated and harassed.

exclam. You beseech someone to shut their raging trap. (Ref. The film Mr. Turner by Mike Leigh, although the accuracy of the phrasing may be erroneous.)

adj. The quality you look for when purchasing food or alcohol. This term may be used in bars to express your spending limit, but only if the bartender seems sympathetic. Trader Joe's targets this audience.

n. When the older Chinese woman walking directly toward you on the sidewalk won't step to the side, and neither will you. You don't want to have to shoulder check her, but she WILL NOT BUDGE. It's a test of wills for the stubborn. Guess who wins every time?

interj. The sound effect of a dramatic gun cock, generally directed at a screaming child or other public annoyance. Expressing this sound while pantomiming a one-handed shotgun pump helps focus your anger in a harmless and often covert manner. (Ref. Nicholas Katich.)

n. Sports fandom as a government enforced presence, i.e. team affirmations on bus head signs, team colors lighting up the county courthouse building. It provides a sense of belonging to those who need a totem to worship.

n. The social electricity that gets generated when groups gather to exalt in epic rituals. (Ref. Emile Durkheim.)

n. The sleepy feeling derived from eating too many bread-like products.

n. Someone who talks about the wine bottle they're going to open, but never does it.

v. To devour food quickly and voraciously in a short period of time, usually to quell a very sudden, often intoxication-induced hunger. You are 10 minutes into having a drink with a friend and that bag of bean chips and tub of hummus are GONE.

Ex. "Sorry, Blood, I just cornholed that pizza. But I'll make you some Orange Rolls and you can cornhole those." -- Suzanne Alexander

v. To anally inhale something, usually on accident.

Ex. "Who cornholed the remote? It was on the bed between us and now it's GONE." --Suzanne Alexander

v. To consume something, ANYTHING, with great gusto and momentum, including media, information, exercise, a crossword puzzle, etc.

Ex. "Blood, I just cornholed a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle while watching one episode of Judge Judy." --Suzanne Alexander

n. The morning's first volatile flatulence that occurs after several hours of unconscious immobility have forced your body to start decomposing.

adj. Fine, acceptable or normal; excellent, realistic, legitimate or authentic. (Ref: Simpsons.)

n. A non-intimidating, low ambition, cuddly guy who likes to binge eat right along with you. See also Mom bod.

n. You don't know what to wear. You've tried on three different things and you're about to collapse in tears. Your entire day will inevitably suffer. See also Stasis wardrobe.

n. Penis-shaped drinking straws used to titillate polite women who happen to be attending a bridal shower, baby shower, or just another night in.

n. Personal vaporizer, e-cigarette, cringe inducer.

n. A January during which no alcohol is consumed.

n. Pronounced doo-seez. Duck feces. See also Geces.

v. To become fleshier; to make or become more robust or vigorous. (Ref: Wordspy.)

v. Touring grocery stores for free samples until you feel full.

n. The exhaustion you feel after your dyspeptic bowels kept you awake all night with their bombast. (Ref: Nicholas Katich.)

exclam. An everyday event that just happened to you, but you feel singled out by it and want pity.

n. Goose feces. See also Duces.

n. Urban nighttime noise, e.g. car alarms, sirens, gunfire, helicopters, screams, farts, singing, tom cats yowling, tires screeching, drunkards bellowing, drumming on garbage cans, tap dancing on tin rooftops.

v. Something that you simply don't do.

v.t. Giving oral sex to someone way taller than you. Figuratively speaking, doing a favor for a pal.

n. Part of your nightly routine. This form of "research" makes you feel informed, yet apprehensive.

n. The weans of a gran and granda's weans; grandbairn; contraction of the Scot's word wee ane.

adj. Southern California Valleyspeak for dirty, nasty, disgusting. Variant of grotty, a slang shortening of grotesque, popularized in the 1960s. It unconsciously echoes Middle English groti "muddy, slimy," from Old English grotig "earthy," from grot "particle."

adj. Believes in women's liberation but is still willing to get married, have kids, and obey her husband.

v. The pleasurable act of watching a TV show you hate.

adj. Your basic run-of-the-mill action film.

n. When something is totally gross but also has a hint of sexiness that you're ashamed of admitting. (Ref. Suzanne Alexander.)

exclam. Short for "Hell yes." (Ref: Teilor Good.)

n. The type of homeless guy who is handsome and rugged and hasn't been weathered down to an inch of his life by hard times. He wears it well, and you'd like to fuck him.

n. You use these for shooting hornets out like a beam of angry bullets, or at least that's what I imagine. Available at Ikea.

adj. Covered with or containing humps.
adj. Muscular, hunky.
adj. Hunched, bent over.

quot. Self validation for acting unapologetically.

exclam. You prove to other commenters that you are in on the joke, otherwise they may believe that it went over your head.

n. It's the new way of saying "TMI," since the existence of "too much" information is an obsolete notion that infringes on self-expression rights.

v. You saw something funny or cute.

adj. Blockhead, nincompoop, mooncalf, numbskull.

Ex. "Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?” --W.C. Fields, The Bank Dick

n. A street person, swagman, or Chinese migrant who dumps out your recycling bin in the middle of the night to select the best pieces.

v. To smoke opium.

adj. You're engaging in some wild uninhibited fun, yet you feel sluggish at the same time.

adj. You've learned about a frivolous thing that sounds interesting, but you haven't experienced it yet.

n. Beer.

adv. Practically.

adv. Actually.

n. The perfect end to a wonderful evening.

n. A woman who doesn't like or respect men, but seduces them for sexual conquest.

n. When someone describes their surroundings on social media.

n. When you are already psychologically detached from reality the week before your vacation.

n. Reaction to the Dad bod, where a woman just takes selfies of her gut hanging out.

exclam. May be uttered as a thinly-veiled death threat, akin to Ralph Kramden threatening to hit his wife so hard on the mouth that it would send her "to the moon," which eventually shortened to "Bang zoom!" Refers to a preferred method of execution in Game of Thrones where the Lords of the Vale "make the bad man fly" by pushing him through a hatch in the floor over a 600-ft. drop to the rocky floor.

n. (Derived from the Hellenistic Greek μύσταξ [mustax, mustak-] "hair on the upper lip" and the Medieval Latin tannare "tan, dye a tawny color.") When the sun darkens your facial skin only on the upper lip. (Ref. Beth Whittlesey.)

n. A neighbor who is completely naked every time you happen to glance in his window. (Ref: Suzanne Alexander.) See also Rear windowing.

n. Your nieces and nephews. (Ref. Wordspy.)

n. Lingerie.

adj. Denoting something that's delightfully nothing.

n. You mispronounce it on purpose and with confidence.

n. It's not so much that you're afraid of something; you just don't like it.

"Why are women these days commitment phobes?" --Yahoo headline

v. The lengths you will go to in order to look good for a date or romantic encounter. Plucking is a more precise approach to depilation of the vulnerable veiny ankle area when shaving is not for you. See also: Shave your veins.

n. Bathroom.

n. A wide bed frame.

n. Physical beauty.

n. The fine line between being willing to fight another person or not. (Ref: Marc Maron.)

exclam. "On the contrary!"

v. Observing the lives of others through their apartment windows, anticipating nudity or murder. See also Nakebor.

n. Someone who takes advantage of emptying their bladder at every possible opportunity.

n. Your third cocktail at the bar. The next morning you will be convinced that someone in the bar actually slipped you a Mickey, but they didn't.

adj. Single, child-free. An untethered lifestyle choice, not to be confused with "childless." AKA self-serving bitches. See also Spinster mystique.

v. Masturbation for guys with long fingernails.

n. You've just strapped yourself in and you know you look good. Show us how much you like to be restrained.

n. A representation of self worth; or masturbation.

v.i. The look every female has on her face when another one enters the room. (Ref: Brent St. James.)

n. Target's maternity wear designed with horizontal stripes to make expanding waistlines feel more remorseful by the day. (Ref: Rachel James.)

v. The lengths you will go to in order to prepare for a romantic encounter that might involve intimacy. You are motivated to shave all the way down the leg, targeting those delicate bulging veins on your ankle. Afraid to put a blade to your veins, even for the sake of love? Try Pluck your veins.

v. You talk too much.

aux. A vague invitation to indicate a maintenance of friendship, but with no intention of making concrete plans. Usually in the context of, "We should have drinks soon," or "We should hang out soon." If a plan is proposed and the vague party cannot commit, "We'll figure it out," may be used as a response. If that fails, simply canceling or flaking on the other person wraps the entire sequence up nicely.

n. A unique experience where you can stand in a hot shower while you drink a cold beer and pee at the same time. Perfect for the summer.

v. Your neighbor passively aggressively indicates to you that your shower has gone too long. Meanwhile, he is saving California from the drought by boiling his spaghetti in his own bath runoff.

n. The amount of sleep reserves you accrue in a 24-hour period. You don't want to blow your wad on a nap if you know you'll have trouble trying again at night.

n. You're invited to a party, but you feel alienated and resort to benignly moving objects around the host's house. For example, you take their laundry scoop and place it in the back of their freezer. The action is covert yet in full view. A low-scale version of the Manson Family creepy crawl.

n. The aura of mystery surrounding an unmarried woman or a woman whose occupation is spinning. Relates to the awe encompassing her framework of doctrines and beliefs.

v. Shaming the act of 'splaining down to other groups, i.e. mansplaining or whitesplaining.

n. Money, money, money.

v.i. Sneaking a spoonful of your sister's Maxaroni.

n. You wear basically the same thing every day to avoid the mental exhaustion of making trivial decisions. Your signature uniform gives you tranquility and confidence. See also Decision fatigue.

n. You have to point them out, then people are like, "Oh, yeah." (Ref: Overheard from drunk lady in the park.)

v. Spontaneous alcohol-driven exercise.

n. The middle section of fabric on the back of boxer shorts.

pro. When you're too lazy to say anything about a link or image that you want to share, yet you feel it needs some sort of introduction.

n. British term for brassiere. Also a great nickname for a good friend.

interj. Lazy version of "talking 'bout," which is a lazy version of ”I know what you’re talking about.” Coined by Bob of the Vegas Boys, a dirty group of hippies from Las Vegas who broke down in Nevada City, circa mid 1990s. (Ref: Teilor Good.)

n. A effeminate hairstyle for men with long hair. [Editor's note: The only top-loading bun I recommend is this one.] (Ref. Andy Way.)

n. Graffiti on a tree.

adj. When someone's sexual or racial minority status prevents them from being fired out of political fear, despite their complete incompetence at the job.

adj. Not wanting to click on a search result because it will lead you to a Pinterest page. Hence, you willingly forgo that knowledge.

adj. The effect of a strenuous workout with focus on inner thigh strength.

n. When a street person's genitals are shown to you against your will, but possibly in a manner beyond that person's control.

n. When your decision making is entirely bladder-driven.

v. Your boss tells you to volunteer for a project. Variations: voluntelling, voluntold.

n. This is basically your profession if you live in the Bay Area and don't have a tech job.

v. You're doing what you normally do--something for yourself--but this time it has been commanded by a second party--a co-narcissist, who more often than not follows the appeal with, "Imma do me."