Glossary

A LIVING LEXICON ABOUT YOU

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There are currently 112 names in this directory
A dash of Rover
n. Absinthe, i.e. The Green Fairy, a toxic liquor made of wormwood, anise, hyssop, melissa, and a variety of magical herbs. Soothes your nerves and looks beautiful doing so.

Bad bitch
n. Someone so devoted to their awesomeness that they have no time for frivolous nonsense.

Basic bitch
n. A predictable, boring, and irrelevant person.

Beer can
n. Dad dick.

Binge shame
n. The "Continue Playing" window that pops up on Netflix when the binge police check to see if you're still awake/alive after four uninterrupted episodes.

Bone zone
n. Once a guy mentally enters it, he does not care what your physical flaws are.

Borderline genius hack
n. You actually constructed a simple thing with your hands and you feel like you hacked the code of the existing laws of science.

Borderline harassment
n. Getting two or more emails from a company -- a company whose emails you probably inadvertently signed up for but forgot about. Their relentless "spamming" makes you feel violated and harassed.

Brook your ire!
exclam. You beseech someone to shut their raging trap. (Ref. The film Mr. Turner by Mike Leigh, although the accuracy of the phrasing may be erroneous.)

Cheapest finest
adj. The quality you look for when purchasing food or alcohol. This term may be used in bars to express your spending limit, but only if the bartender seems sympathetic. Trader Joe's targets this audience.

Chinese chicken
n. When the older Chinese woman walking directly toward you on the sidewalk won't step to the side, and neither will you. You don't want to have to shoulder check her, but she WILL NOT BUDGE. It's a test of wills for the stubborn. Guess who wins every time?

Chk-chk!
interj. The sound effect of a dramatic gun cock, generally directed at a screaming child or other public annoyance. Expressing this sound while pantomiming a one-handed shotgun pump helps focus your anger in a harmless and often covert manner. (Ref. Nicholas Katich.)

Civic religion
n. Sports fandom as a government enforced presence, i.e. team affirmations on bus head signs, team colors lighting up the county courthouse building. It provides a sense of belonging to those who need a totem to worship.

Collective effervescence
n. The social electricity that gets generated when groups gather to exalt in epic rituals. (Ref. Emile Durkheim.)

Coma toast
n. The sleepy feeling derived from eating too many bread-like products.

Cork tease
n. Someone who talks about the wine bottle they're going to open, but never does it.

Cornhole
v. To devour food quickly and voraciously in a short period of time, usually to quell a very sudden, often intoxication-induced hunger. You are 10 minutes into having a drink with a friend and that bag of bean chips and tub of hummus are GONE.
Ex. "Sorry, Blood, I just cornholed that pizza. But I'll make you some Orange Rolls and you can cornhole those." -- Suzanne Alexander
v. To anally inhale something, usually on accident.
Ex. "Who cornholed the remote? It was on the bed between us and now it's GONE." --Suzanne Alexander
v. To consume something, ANYTHING, with great gusto and momentum, including media, information, exercise, a crossword puzzle, etc.
Ex. "Blood, I just cornholed a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle while watching one episode of Judge Judy." --Suzanne Alexander

Corpse gas
n. The morning's first volatile flatulence that occurs after several hours of unconscious immobility have forced your body to start decomposing.

Cromulent
adj. Fine, acceptable or normal; excellent, realistic, legitimate or authentic. (Ref: Simpsons.)

Dad bod
n. A non-intimidating, low ambition, cuddly guy who likes to binge eat right along with you. See also Mom bod.

Decision fatigue
n. You don't know what to wear. You've tried on three different things and you're about to collapse in tears. Your entire day will inevitably suffer. See also Stasis wardrobe.

Dickie sippies
n. Penis-shaped drinking straws used to titillate polite women who happen to be attending a bridal shower, baby shower, or just another night in.

Douche flute
n. Personal vaporizer, e-cigarette, cringe inducer.

Dryuary
n. A January during which no alcohol is consumed.

Duces
n. Pronounced doo-seez. Duck feces. See also Geces.

Embeefen
v. To become fleshier; to make or become more robust or vigorous. (Ref: Wordspy.)

Fantasy shopping
v. Touring grocery stores for free samples until you feel full.

Fartigue
n. The exhaustion you feel after your dyspeptic bowels kept you awake all night with their bombast. (Ref: Nicholas Katich.)

FML
exclam. An everyday event that just happened to you, but you feel singled out by it and want pity.

Geces
n. Goose feces. See also Duces.

Ghetto lullaby
n. Urban nighttime noise, e.g. car alarms, sirens, gunfire, helicopters, screams, farts, singing, tom cats yowling, tires screeching, drunkards bellowing, drumming on garbage cans, tap dancing on tin rooftops.

Give fucks / Grow my fucks
v. Something that you simply don't do.

Going up
v.t. Giving oral sex to someone way taller than you. Figuratively speaking, doing a favor for a pal.

Google my symptoms
n. Part of your nightly routine. This form of "research" makes you feel informed, yet apprehensive.

Grandweans
n. The weans of a gran and granda's weans; grandbairn; contraction of the Scot's word wee ane.

Grody
adj. Southern California Valleyspeak for dirty, nasty, disgusting. Variant of grotty, a slang shortening of grotesque, popularized in the 1960s. It unconsciously echoes Middle English groti "muddy, slimy," from Old English grotig "earthy," from grot "particle."

Half-liberated
adj. Believes in women's liberation but is still willing to get married, have kids, and obey her husband.

Hate watching
v. The pleasurable act of watching a TV show you hate.

Heart-stopping
adj. Your basic run-of-the-mill action film.

Hecka beau nast
n. When something is totally gross but also has a hint of sexiness that you're ashamed of admitting. (Ref. Suzanne Alexander.)

Heyssss
exclam. Short for "Hell yes." (Ref: Teilor Good.)

HGILF
n. The type of homeless guy who is handsome and rugged and hasn't been weathered down to an inch of his life by hard times. He wears it well, and you'd like to fuck him.

Hornet's nest sceptre
n. You use these for shooting hornets out like a beam of angry bullets, or at least that's what I imagine. Available at Ikea.

Humpy
adj. Covered with or containing humps.
adj. Muscular, hunky.
adj. Hunched, bent over.

I am as God made me
quot. Self validation for acting unapologetically.

I see what you did there
exclam. You prove to other commenters that you are in on the joke, otherwise they may believe that it went over your head.

Interest level exceeded
n. It's the new way of saying "TMI," since the existence of "too much" information is an obsolete notion that infringes on self-expression rights.

It's killing me / I'm dying
v. You saw something funny or cute.

Jabbernowl
adj. Blockhead, nincompoop, mooncalf, numbskull.
Ex. "Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?” --W.C. Fields, The Bank Dick

Jawa
n. A street person, swagman, or Chinese migrant who dumps out your recycling bin in the middle of the night to select the best pieces.

Kick the gong around
v. To smoke opium.

Lethargiastic
adj. You're engaging in some wild uninhibited fun, yet you feel sluggish at the same time.

Life = not lived
adj. You've learned about a frivolous thing that sounds interesting, but you haven't experienced it yet.

Liquid pretzels
n. Beer.

Literally
adv. Practically.

Literallyliterally
adv. Actually.

Ludwig Bloody Van
n. The perfect end to a wonderful evening.

Manizer
n. A woman who doesn't like or respect men, but seduces them for sexual conquest.

Mental smell
n. When someone describes their surroundings on social media.

Mental tan
n. When you are already psychologically detached from reality the week before your vacation.

Mom bod
n. Reaction to the Dad bod, where a woman just takes selfies of her gut hanging out.

Moon Door!
exclam. May be uttered as a thinly-veiled death threat, akin to Ralph Kramden threatening to hit his wife so hard on the mouth that it would send her "to the moon," which eventually shortened to "Bang zoom!" Refers to a preferred method of execution in Game of Thrones where the Lords of the Vale "make the bad man fly" by pushing him through a hatch in the floor over a 600-ft. drop to the rocky floor.

Mustan
n. (Derived from the Hellenistic Greek μύσταξ [mustax, mustak-] "hair on the upper lip" and the Medieval Latin tannare "tan, dye a tawny color.") When the sun darkens your facial skin only on the upper lip. (Ref. Beth Whittlesey.)

Nakebor
n. A neighbor who is completely naked every time you happen to glance in his window. (Ref: Suzanne Alexander.) See also Rear windowing.

Niephlings
n. Your nieces and nephews. (Ref. Wordspy.)

Night costume
n. Lingerie.

Nothinglicious
adj. Denoting something that's delightfully nothing.

Paystumps
n. You mispronounce it on purpose and with confidence.

Phobe
n. It's not so much that you're afraid of something; you just don't like it.
"Why are women these days commitment phobes?" --Yahoo headline

Pluck your veins
v. The lengths you will go to in order to look good for a date or romantic encounter. Plucking is a more precise approach to depilation of the vulnerable veiny ankle area when shaving is not for you. See also: Shave your veins.

Proverbial restroom
n. Bathroom.

Pube-catcher
n. A wide bed frame.

Pulchritude
n. Physical beauty.

Pussy cusp
n. The fine line between being willing to fight another person or not. (Ref: Marc Maron.)

Quite the antithesis
exclam. "On the contrary!"

Rear windowing
v. Observing the lives of others through their apartment windows, anticipating nudity or murder. See also Nakebor.

Relief junkie
n. Someone who takes advantage of emptying their bladder at every possible opportunity.

Rufie
n. Your third cocktail at the bar. The next morning you will be convinced that someone in the bar actually slipped you a Mickey, but they didn't.

SCF
adj. Single, child-free. An untethered lifestyle choice, not to be confused with "childless." AKA self-serving bitches. See also Spinster mystique.

Scratching one out
v. Masturbation for guys with long fingernails.

Seatbelt selfie
n. You've just strapped yourself in and you know you look good. Show us how much you like to be restrained.

Selfie
n. A representation of self worth; or masturbation.

Serving shade
v.i. The look every female has on her face when another one enters the room. (Ref: Brent St. James.)

Shame stripes
n. Target's maternity wear designed with horizontal stripes to make expanding waistlines feel more remorseful by the day. (Ref: Rachel James.)

Shave your veins
v. The lengths you will go to in order to prepare for a romantic encounter that might involve intimacy. You are motivated to shave all the way down the leg, targeting those delicate bulging veins on your ankle. Afraid to put a blade to your veins, even for the sake of love? Try Pluck your veins.

Shooting off your bazoo
v. You talk too much.

Should-soon
aux. A vague invitation to indicate a maintenance of friendship, but with no intention of making concrete plans. Usually in the context of, "We should have drinks soon," or "We should hang out soon." If a plan is proposed and the vague party cannot commit, "We'll figure it out," may be used as a response. If that fails, simply canceling or flaking on the other person wraps the entire sequence up nicely.

Shower beer
n. A unique experience where you can stand in a hot shower while you drink a cold beer and pee at the same time. Perfect for the summer.

Shower shaming
v. Your neighbor passively aggressively indicates to you that your shower has gone too long. Meanwhile, he is saving California from the drought by boiling his spaghetti in his own bath runoff.

Sleep wad
n. The amount of sleep reserves you accrue in a 24-hour period. You don't want to blow your wad on a nap if you know you'll have trouble trying again at night.

Soft creepy crawl
n. You're invited to a party, but you feel alienated and resort to benignly moving objects around the host's house. For example, you take their laundry scoop and place it in the back of their freezer. The action is covert yet in full view. A low-scale version of the Manson Family creepy crawl.

Spinster mystique
n. The aura of mystery surrounding an unmarried woman or a woman whose occupation is spinning. Relates to the awe encompassing her framework of doctrines and beliefs.

Splain-shaming
v. Shaming the act of 'splaining down to other groups, i.e. mansplaining or whitesplaining.

Spondulicks
n. Money, money, money.

Spoon-doggle
v.i. Sneaking a spoonful of your sister's Maxaroni.

Stasis wardrobe
n. You wear basically the same thing every day to avoid the mental exhaustion of making trivial decisions. Your signature uniform gives you tranquility and confidence. See also Decision fatigue.

Subtle tits
n. You have to point them out, then people are like, "Oh, yeah." (Ref: Overheard from drunk lady in the park.)

Tequila lunges
v. Spontaneous alcohol-driven exercise.

Third panel
n. The middle section of fabric on the back of boxer shorts.

THIS
pro. When you're too lazy to say anything about a link or image that you want to share, yet you feel it needs some sort of introduction.

Tit pants
n. British term for brassiere. Also a great nickname for a good friend.

Tonebout
interj. Lazy version of "talking 'bout," which is a lazy version of ”I know what you’re talking about.” Coined by Bob of the Vegas Boys, a dirty group of hippies from Las Vegas who broke down in Nevada City, circa mid 1990s. (Ref: Teilor Good.)

Top-loading man bun
n. A effeminate hairstyle for men with long hair. [Editor's note: The only top-loading bun I recommend is this one.] (Ref. Andy Way.)

Treeffiti
n. Graffiti on a tree.

Unfireable
adj. When someone's sexual or racial minority status prevents them from being fired out of political fear, despite their complete incompetence at the job.

Unpinterested
adj. Not wanting to click on a search result because it will lead you to a Pinterest page. Hence, you willingly forgo that knowledge.

Unrapeable
adj. The effect of a strenuous workout with focus on inner thigh strength.

Unsolicited dong
n. When a street person's genitals are shown to you against your will, but possibly in a manner beyond that person's control.

Vesical motivus
n. When your decision making is entirely bladder-driven.

Voluntell
v. Your boss tells you to volunteer for a project. Variations: voluntelling, voluntold.

Whalebone corset repairer
n. This is basically your profession if you live in the Bay Area and don't have a tech job.

You do you
v. You're doing what you normally do--something for yourself--but this time it has been commanded by a second party--a co-narcissist, who more often than not follows the appeal with, "Imma do me."


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2 Responses to Glossary

  1. Teilor says:

    tonebout = lazy version of ‘talking bout’ which is a lazy version of saying ” I know what you’re talking about”. Coined by BOB of the Vegas Boys, a dirty group of hippies who broke down in Nevada City from Las Vegas. Mid 1990’s

    Another good one..”Heyssss (sp?) Another lazy word coined by the above. Short for “Hell Yes”! …I think. Do these apply?

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